I see the same scene
outside my window
every day the same
The fence, the morning glories
the birds in the feeder
the brick house next door
My jaded eyes
see only sameness
nothing different, nothing new
Yet, even as I watch
even if I try not to see
Those aren’t the same flowers
not the same migrating birds
not the same slowly weathering fence
Even the dust in the window is different
laying in changing patterns
drawn by the wind and the rain
And, despite my resistance
I have to admit that nothing
is ever the same at all – not even me
So, these stale feelings
this aged angst
is only an illusion
Each moment is different
allowing new insights
proposing new possibilities
So now, when I look out my window
will I be able to see that new world, every time,
for the first time?
I hope so.
They wake me up at 4am
the doubts, the fears,
All past loss comes tumbling in,
all future loss leers at me
from the closet door.
Be afraid, they whisper.
Be very afraid.
All this is loss, worthless refuse to you…
But, they quote it wrong.
It is “Be NOT Afraid”
and “All BUT this is loss”
They don’t want me to hear that part.
They don’t want me to see the rays of dawn,
or the sparkle of hope on the horizon.
Yes, there has been and will always be loss and change,
but there will always be joy and awe,
like the stars, holding their own in the black void at 4am.
Tripping over children, like stepping stones
There is something wild about
4 generations tumbled together.
Still, it’s a kind of relief
when they all go home.
In my window, on my wall,
lines that tell a secret story
lines that somehow say it all…
“A long time forgotten, the dreams that just fell by the way.
The good life he promised, ain’t what she’s living today.” *
Indeed! Life sometimes just seems to be one disappointment after another.
“You got to have a dream. If you don’t have a dream, how you gonna have a dream come true?” **
Maybe that’s my problem. You’ve got to have a dream for it to come true.
Do I have a dream?
* “Good Hearted Woman”, by Waylon Jennings and Willie Nelson
** “Happy Talk”, Rodgers and Hammerstein musical South Pacific
I went to Discovery World Museum the other day,
just to see what I’d been missing.
There were gadgets and levers and buttons,
swooshes, beepings and whistles.
Nothing with instructions, few with explanations.
And the children loved it.
They ran from one thing to another,
just pressing and pulling and laughing,
while I stood, dumbfounded,
afraid of breaking some kind of rules of motion.
It makes me wonder,
when did I forgot how to play,
And when did I become
afraid to experiment,
And when did I start
seeing danger instead of wonder in the unknown.
It’s a jolt to realize that at fifty something
I am no longer smarter than a 1st grader…