There is sadness in my head,
both old and new, and a longing
for the way things used to be.
There is sorrow in my eyes,
blurring all the special times
that used to bring me tranquility and joy.
There is fear in my heart,
making me cower behind
all the unfixable mistakes of the past.
But, there is also mystery in my soul,
that tries its best
to keep a spark of hope alive.
And, there is life in me yet,
that struggles to be set free
and change my mourning into song.
I sat with Mom at McDonalds today.
I bought a caramel sundae in her memory.
It sat across from me, spoon, napkin and all
while I ate my hot fudge.
I remembered all the times we ate ice cream together,
at McDonalds, at her house watching Jeopardy,
and I felt the grief again.
I let myself cry and miss her,
then I ate her sundae as well!
Sometimes I feel normal –
like nothing has changed.
Sometimes I feel disassociated –
like I don’t know who I am.
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed –
like I don’t know what to do.
Sometimes I feel relieved –
like I have a burden lifted.
Sometimes I feel embarrassed –
about the thoughts and feelings I have.
But I know, it is what it is, now –
and I can cope – sometimes.